Wacky Physicists !!!

image for Particle Physics Is It Fun Einstein thought it was fun.
We report on a recent seminar given at FermiLab by the acclaimed particle physicist, Prof. H. Wonky Legg, the content of which will allow you, the reader, to judge whether particle physics is fun, or just downright daft.

Good morning! In this talk I would like to show some results from the di-parton Drell Yan working group on Higgs weak neutralino studies, who have been working in collaboration with the Arthur Negus Centre for Large Massive Bodies at the University of Upper Wangoby in Tonga.

(first slide shows graph with clouds of points and red lines, annotated in greek letters)

In this slide I show the comdingly mass pairs of frothing di-quarks derived from the parton sea off the coast of Zimbabwe. You will notice the steeply falling Higgs cross-section as a function of chocolate biscuits.

(second slide, shows a photo of Nicole Kidman in the buff)

My collaborators insisted I show this slide.

(third slide, shows a set of formulae featuring large omegas and other lesser-known Greek letters, with numerous subscripts)

It is trivial to show, as seen here, that the upper bound on the tri-muon cross-section for production of sleptons is not unadjacent to the value obtained by adding the age of Mikhail Gorbachev to the number of seconds since the Big Bang.

(fourth slide, shows a photo of a large dildo disappearing inside a moss-lined tunnel)

My collaborators also insisted I show this slide.

(fifth slide, with one word Conclusions)

In summary, if we ignore the minimum bias wing nuts, the oscillating bubble tea, the large edifice recently found on Titan, and the overwhelming evidence for the intelligent life of coffee pots, we conclude that a maximum of one doughnut should be eaten in any given week. Thankyou.

(polite applause.)

Questions

(From the audience)

You bastard! You failed to acknowledge my work on flip flops!

(The speaker)

That work is discredited and you, sir, are a cad and a bounder. Step outside!

(Seminar breaks up into warring factions, with each group wielding their weapon of choice e.g. avocado seeds, gobstoppers and pine cones.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yupIM0WNPxw

hOPE u all are fine. From June 2010 onwards there's a change in our STATEMENT OF RESULT and our PERCENTAGE GRADES, kindly if you want more info so please download pdf file from (it also contain dummy result sheet)

http://ask.cie.org.uk/system/selfservice.controller?CMD=VIEW_ARTICLE&EXPANDED_TOPIC_TREE_NODES=&USERTYPE=1&ARTICLE_ID=64341&USEFUL_ITEM=USEFUL_ITEM&CONFIGURATION=1035&PARTITION_ID=1&TIMEZONE_OFFSET=null

and you can see this change from Cambridge.

Thankx ..
have a nice day

Funny Physics Story

This hilarious story gave me some chuckles:

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.

One student replied: You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem, it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn’t make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi square root (l / g).

Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to him €˜If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper’.

The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

Quotes that make you go WOW !!!

“PHYSICS” is the discipline of Science dealing with the properties of matter and energy. Includes; acoustics, atomic physics, cryogenics, electromagnetism, elementary particle physics, fluid dynamics, geophysics, mathematical physics, mechanics, molecular physics, nuclear physics, optics, plasma physics, quantum physics, solid state physics, statistical mechanics, thermodynamics.

It is a science that deals with matter and energy and their actions upon each other in the fields of aeronautics, electricity, heat, light, mechanics, and sound. Physics (from the Greek, "natural", "nature") is the science of Nature in the broadest sense.

Physicists study the behavior and properties of matter in a wide variety of contexts, ranging from the sub-nuclear particles from which all ordinary matter is made (particle physics) to the behavior of the material Universe as a whole (cosmology). The physics quotes describe the vastness of one of the most important forms or disciplines of Science called Physics. These quotes or sayings may be the beliefs of some of the most famous scientists of the world describing the relevance of this science in our day to day lives.

I ask you to look both ways. For the road to a knowledge of the stars leads through the atom; and important knowledge of the atom has been reached through the stars.
Sir Arthur Eddington

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
Ernest Rutherford

In physics, your solution should convince a reasonable person. In math, you have to convince a person who's trying to make trouble. Ultimately, in physics, you're hoping to convince Nature. And I've found Nature to be pretty reasonable.
Frank Wilczek

It is impossible to trap modern physics into predicting anything with perfect determinism because it deals with probabilities from the outset.
Sir Arthur Eddington

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine.
Sir Arthur Eddington

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

When forced to summarize the general theory of relativity in one sentence: Time and space and graviton have no separate existence from matter.
Albert Einstein

I am acutely aware of the fact that the marriage between mathematics and physics, which was so enormously fruitful in past centuries, has recently ended in divorce.
Freeman John Dyson

God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically.
Albert Einstein

Something unknown is doing we don't know what.
Sir Arthur Eddington

I think that a particle must have a separate reality independent of the measurements. That is an electron has spin, location and so forth even when it is not being measured. I like to think that the moon is there even if I am not looking at it.
Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

We have found a strange footprint on the shores of the unknown. We have devised profound theories, one after another, to account for its origins. At last, we have succeeded in reconstructing the creature that made the footprint. And lo! It is our own.
Sir Arthur Eddington

God does not play dice
Albert Einstein

I don't believe in mathematics.
Albert Einstein

Physics tells us All !!!

The crippling of individuals I consider the worst evil of capitalism. Our whole educational system suffers from this evil. An exaggerated competitive attitude is inculcated into the student, who is trained to worship material success as a preparation for his future career. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
There is only one road to human greatness: through the schools of hard knocks. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
Of all the communities available to us, there is not one I would want to devote myself to except for the society of the true seekers, which has very few living members at any one time. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited , wheras imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves- such an ethical basis I call the ideal of a pigsty…The ideals which have guided my way, and time after time have given me the energy to face life, have been Kindness, Beauty and Truth. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
Although I am a typical loner in my daily life, my awareness of belonging to the invisible community of those who strive for truth, beauty, and justice has prevented me from feelings of isolation. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
I never worry about the future. It comes soon enough. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
In the last analysis everyone is a human being, whether he is an American or a German, a Jew or a Gentile. If it were possible to hold only this worthy point of view, I would be a happy man. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
Astatine is an element so rare that if you searched the entire planet you’d only find a lump the size of a sugar cube.
When a flea jumps, the rate of acceleration is 20 times that of the space shuttle during launch.
The maximum speed that raindrops can fall at is around 18mph, depending on their size.
If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill an Olympic sized swimming pool.
12 Astronauts have walked on the moon, between them bringing back 382 kilograms of rocks, pebbles, sand and dust.
Whales talk to each other by making a loud clicking noise. The sound waves travel extremely well underwater and they can hear each other from 100 miles away.
A TV screen shows 24 pictures a second. Because a fly sees 200 images a second, it would see TV as still pictures with darkness in between.
Cats can see clearly in one-sixth the amount of light we humans would need. This is due to a special layer of cells at the back of their retinas, which acts like a mirror, reflecting light back to the retina's cells.
In 1936 Professor Alfred Gaydon underwent surgery on his eyes after an accident. When his sight began to return he found that he could see ultra-violet light, which is normally beyond the visible spectrum of humans. This helped in his work as a physicist, but it did distort how he saw other colours!
Because of thermal expansion the Eiffel Tower is 15cm taller in summer.
Some people who have two or more different kinds of fillings in their teeth are able to hear high-power AM broadcast stations when located within a few hundred feet of the stations. In such cases, the strong radio waves act upon the teeth fillings in such a way that the electromagnetic oscillations get transformed to mechanical vibrations in the person's head, and these are heard as sound.
The amount of sunlight reaching the earth's surface is 6,000 times the amount of energy used by all human beings worldwide. The total amount of fossil fuel used by humans since the start of civilization is equivalent to less than 30 days of sunshine.
Tree crickets are called the poor man's thermometer because temperature directly affects their rate of activity. Count the number of chirps a cricket makes in 15 seconds, then add 37. The sum will be very close to the outside temperature in farenheit!
The highest temperature ever recorded at the South Pole was minus 13 degrees centigrade.
If our Sun were just inch in diameter, the nearest star would be 445 miles away.
If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and the Earth would be as small as a pea.
Neutron stars are so dense that a teaspoonful would weigh more than all the people on Earth!
On average, airliners will get struck by lightning once every year.
You weigh less if you stand at the equator than if you stood at the north pole. This is because the equator is actually further away from the centre of the earth, so the force of gravity is less.
Engineers at NASA claim to have made the loudest noise ever: of 210 decibels. This is so loud that it can make holes in solid materials.
The mass of the Earth increases every year because of 3,000 tonnes of meteorite debris that hits its surface from space.
Who choked on their own invention? Hubert Cecil Booth, the inventor of the vacuum cleaner. In testing how it would work, he was sucking dirt by mouth through a piece of material and ended up with a lungful of dust!
The microwave oven was invented by accident, when Percy Spencer found that his chocolate bar had been melted by an experiment he was running on radar systems. He immediately started experimenting successfully on microwaved popcorn.
A supernova is the most energetic single event known in the Universe. Material is exploded into space at about 10,000 kilometres per second. All the stars in our galaxy (about 100,000,000,000) would have to shine for six months to produce the amount of energy released by just one supernova.
The planet Venus’s day is longer than its year. It takes 225 ‘Earth’ days to rotate around the Sun (a Venusian year) and 243 ‘Earth’ days to rotate on its axis (a Venusian day).
It takes the energy output of at least one power station to keep the traffic lights in the British Isles operating.
One kilogram of butter stores as much energy between its atoms as the same quantity of TNT.
Men are six times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
IBM's ASCI white supercomputer, the fastest computer in the world, weighs as much as 17 elephants and can do in one second what a calculator would take 10 million years to do.
Do astronauts burp? Because you are weightless in space, the contents of your stomach float and tend to stay at the top of your stomach, under the rib cage and close to the valve at the top of your stomach. Because this valve isn't a complete closure (just a muscle that works with gravity), if you burp, it becomes a wet burp from the contents in your stomach. Gross!
The Moon is gradually moving away from the Earth and the tides are to blame. Every year, the Moon moves a further 3.82cm from the Earth.
Gold leaf is pure gold, but you can cover large areas with it very cheaply because it is very thin. Gold leaf is less than 0.00008 millimeters thick - which is only about 300 atoms thick.
Every rainbow is unique - each rainbow is formed from light hitting your eye at a very precise angle. Someone standing next to you will see light coming from a slightly different angle than you and therefore see a different rainbow.
A bolt of lightning contains enough energy to toast 160,000 pieces of bread. Unfortunately the bolt only takes 1/10,000 of a second – so turning the bread over might prove difficult.
If 10 kilograms of matter spontaneously turned into energy there would be enough energy to power a 100 Watt light bulb for 300 million years - a harrowing thought for all weight watchers.